Phase
by NiceIceEdward
Summary: AU - Takes place after Eclipse, BD hasn't happened. A dark look at what could have happened when Jacob Black disappeared.
1. Chapter 1

"_Into this night I wander,_

_"It's morning that I dread_

_Another day of knowing of_

_The path I fear to tread_

_Oh, into the sea of waking dreams_

_I follow without pride_

_Nothing stands between us here_

_And I won't be denied."_

-S. McLachlan, Possession

The Trouble with Werewolves

The sound of Edward and Jasper's bodies crashing together during their play battle sounded all through the house, then Edward came back into the room, a great grin on his face and a more peaceful set to his body.

He came and sat next to me on the bed. I was reading Wuthering Heights again, and he plucked it out of my hands. "I think you've read enough of this one Bella. Why not try a nice Austen novel, or perhaps something more contemporary. Choose anything, but you're restricted from Bronte for awhile." I laughed, and allowed that.

"Too much Bronte makes Bella a dull girl, eh?" I said.

He scoffed, "No! It makes Bella a little too lively when she's dreaming!" I laughed at this; my dreams had given me trouble lately. Nothing I couldn't handle, but when my imagination was affected, I could go to some very wild places, and experience very wild events as well.

"Well, you're usually the star of my dreams Edward, I'm sure changing my reading habits won't change that." I said resignedly.

"Oh no, all it takes to change your dreams is a little confusion." He looked at me through his eyebrows.

I leaned forward against him, "Well, you could distract me from reading for quite some time, if you were only willing. I said teasingly.

He raised an eyebrow at me, "Willing isn't the problem. Able is another matter entirely. I'm in no hurry to put you in that kind of danger, Bella. Trust me, there are moments when I'm inexcusably close to forgetting my caution. It isn't rejection, its love that stops me, love that keeps me wanting to preserve you."

I caught on to his last words, "If you really want to preserve me, change me." He glared at me.

I laughed, "Well, lets not talk about that tonight, shall we? I think there are plenty of other things we can concentrate on. In fact, what happened at the hospital anyway? What was it that Carlisle needed your help with?" the change in Edward's look and the way he held himself was telling. He was suddenly completely serious.

"Carlisle wanted the use of my special power for a patient who is in a coma." He was tense suddenly; in the way I associated with times when he was trying to protect me.

"Is it someone I know?" I asked, cautiously. I didn't think he'd tell me, but it was worth a try.

He looked at me strangely, and then looked down.

"It IS!" I responded, "Who is it Edward? What happened?"

His brow furrowed, and he continued to look down, "It's Jessica Stanley."

I gasped, "Jessica's in a coma? Why?" I hadn't seen her since our wedding. What could have happened? I got up and walked to the closet to get myself a sweater.

Edward watched me for a moment, a look of consternation on his face, "Bella, what are you doing?"

I looked up from my zipper, "I want to go see Jessica." Of course, I thought.

"I don't think that's wise just now, Bella. Wait, at least until tomorrow. She's not alone. Esme and Carlisle are still with her, and of course Jessica's family are all there."

"Edward, Jessica Stanley is one of my few, very good human friends, she's in the hospital, I want to go in and visit her."

"I don't think you should see her yet. She was attacked by a wild animal."

"Oh my God! Poor Jessica, is she bad? You said she's in a coma, is her condition really bad?" judging by the look on his face I wasn't going to like his answer.

"Carlisle says there really isn't anything further they can do for her. It's just a matter of waiting to see whether she'll wake up or not."

I was stunned, Jessica, poor little, young, and ridiculous Jessica. "Where was she, how'd she get attacked?"

"She went camping with Mike Newton." He said curtly.

I had to know more, "What about Mike, is he okay?"

Edward shook his head; a slight relaxing of his brows told me Mike was fine. "Mike got hurt when he tried to fight the wolf off of Jessica, but he was only bitten, and thrown." As an afterthought he said, "Mike's injuries are going to be more internal."

He was oddly short with his answer, and was still tense. There was still something he wanted to keep from me, and I wasn't having it. Jessica was a friend after all. "What aren't you telling me, Edward? Why did Carlisle need to you to hear her thoughts?"

"Because she wasn't just attacked Bella, that came first, and it was brutal, but that was only half of the horror it. She was also raped."

I gasped again. But how! How could that have happened? I thought to myself. Edward continued,"Carlisle had a suspicion about how something horrendous like that might have happened. He brought me down to confirm it, which I have." He looked at me, sadly.

"…And? Tell me, please." I begged him.

"Jessica was attacked by a wolf…then she was raped." He looked at me with deep concern, something about this was related to me, or Edward wouldn't be so reserved.

I shook my head slowly back and forth. My brain refusing to comprehend what he was saying.

"Edward, who would do such a thing. Who would come upon someone in that condition and then rape them?" I said, astonished.

"Bella," he looked at me as though I was missing the point. "The attack and the rape were done by the same person. It was Jacob Black.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter II  
Solitude's My Guide

"_Are you insane_! There is no way I'm letting you anywhere near that dog ever again. He's completely out of control." Edward's face was livid and he was breathing hard, but I wasn't going to back down.

"I have to find out if it's true Edward, I can't believe he'd do anything like this. I have to see Jacob. Why would he return after being gone so long only to do something like this?"

Edward's expression suddenly changed into one of torture, I'd only seen him look that way in Jane's presence. "It was Jacob, Bella. I told you Carlisle asked me to look into her mind. She's trapped, but the memories are there. I had to search, but I saw him. I saw what he did." Edward's expression was one of utter disgust.

"Of course, that does nothing for anyone, but at least Carlisle, Esme and I know what happened. Bella, he is not himself, in fact, judging from the memories Jessica's suffering with, Jacob was very drunk. I will not have you less than 15 miles from him Bella. With your penchant for trouble, and his current state, there is every probability that you would put yourself in the greatest peril, one from which I will have no recourse whatsoever, and I won't have it."

I glared at him, "Jacob wouldn't hurt me Edward." I said, but realized I wasn't certain.

Edward saw the uncertainty on my face. He relaxed slightly, "Bella, be reasonable. You've never been very good at judging Jacob's actions, and he's actually forced himself on you, and tricked you before. This is not the time to willingly put yourself in danger. I want you safe, here, with me."

I turned and sat on our bed. I had to talk to Jacob, but the truth was, I wasn't even sure he would talk to me. Inspiration struck. I couldn't see him, if Edward was right, Jacob was acting out of character and I wasn't any good at reading him. I could talk to him though. "Edward, let me have your phone."

He looked at me and I thought at first he wasn't going to allow it, but he reached into his pocket and withdrew the silver phone he always carried. I dialed Billy Black's house, I wasn't sure he'd be there, but it seemed like the safest bet.

The phone rang several times, and I gasped when it was Jacob who answered the phone. "H'lo?" he sounded half asleep.

"Jacob?"

It sounded like the phone was being shuffled around, finally he responded, "Bells?"

Suddenly I had no idea what to say to him. I sat stumped for a moment looking into Edward's serious eyes.

"Bells? What's wrong?" he asked, recognizing my hesitation.

"Jacob, what did…where have you been?" I chickened out.

"Running."

"What?" I responded.

"I said I've been running." He was quiet; his tone said he didn't really want to talk. I didn't care, I'd decided I needed answers, and I was going to get them.

"Where have you been running, Jake, you've been gone for months."

He grunted in an annoyed way, "Away, Bells." He was slurring. That wasn't going to be helpful.

"Oh, okay, yeah, that's much more specific" I retorted sarcastically, annoyed that he'd been drinking.

"Just away, Bella. I needed to run away." His voice was dismissive, but there was also a hint of pleading in it. Like he was answering me, but begging me not to make him explain.

"Jacob…" I really didn't know how to ask, so I just blurted it out. "Jake, what did you do to Jessica Stanley?" I tried to sound angry, but I just sounded hurt, and accusatory, and horrified.

I heard nothing for a moment, then the sounds of deep sobbing gasps.

"I don't want to talk to you Bella. I CAN'T talk to you! I…STAY AWAY FROM ME BELLA!" and then the phone disconnected.

I stared at the phone; I felt the color drain from my face. Edward reached over and pulled the phone from my hands, while his other hand brushed the hair from my face. He reached behind my neck and pulled me up against him. As he held me, he rubbed my back the way he did when he was trying to calm me to sleep. "I'm sorry Bella, you have no idea how much I wish it weren't true, but I'm afraid Jacob Black is no longer your Jacob."

I stood letting him comfort me for a time. My mind whirled over how Jacob could have gone so wrong. Jacob had disappeared after learning about our wedding. I knew that much, so this must have to do with me. I had done everything I could to end things with Jacob in a way that wouldn't hurt him, but I must have still done something wrong.

I decided to call the one member of the pack who I knew wasn't really averse to speaking to me. I took Edward's phone again, ignoring the questioning look on his face and dialed Seth Clearwater's house. I wasn't as lucky as I'd been calling Billy. Leah answered the phone. "Hello?"

I stammered, she wasn't very fond of me, "Leah? Hi, this is Bella Swan. Can I speak to Seth?"

She ignored my question, "Isabella Swan." She managed to cackle and scoff at the same time. "Finished screwing with Jacob's mind, thought you'd meddle with my little brother's too?" Ugh, if this was going to be her attitude it wasn't going to help. I heard a voice in the background, a little arguing, then Seth's voice, "It's my call and none of your business Leah."

"Hello?" he sounded distracted, and very annoyed.

I laughed a little, "Hi Seth, I'm sorry to cause you trouble."

"No trouble Bella, hang on," I heard the sound of the phone changing hands, and some more arguing between Seth and Leah, then I heard the distinctive sound of a door closed tightly. "So you're calling about Jacob aren't you? How'd you hear he was back in town?"

I hesitated a moment, looking up at Edward who was still watching me. Concern written all over his face. I decided that Seth was one of the pack, so therefore privy to learning the secrets kept from others. "Seth, do you know about Edward's abilities?" I was intentionally vague, in case he wasn't aware. He replied in a guarded tone, "You mean reading people's minds? Yeah, he listened to the pack when we were all training to fight with Victoria remember."

I nodded relieved, "That's right, I'd forgotten. So Carlisle asked Edward to go to the hospital to read Jessica Stanley's mind." I let the insinuation place itself. I didn't want to have to say it outright if I didn't have to. It turned out to be enough; Seth sucked in breath quickly, and then exhaled very slowly.

"He's in so much trouble, Bella. Billy won't let him out of the house, Sam has nearly disowned him and he's a mess. He's been able to hide what he's been doing for the last several months from the pack by virtue of what happened to Jessica, it's all he thinks about, but there's much more to it than that. I think he's going crazy Bella. I think he might have snapped when you and Edward got married. Embry and Quil won't even talk to him. Last time they went over there he threw them out, bodily. Embry and Quil aren't small guys either. Everyone in the pack has completely turned their backs on him."

I was nauseous. Edward saw my expression and reached his arms around my waist to support me.

Seth took another deep breath, "Bella, I think you'd better forget about this. You can't help Jacob anymore. I think the only thing you could do now is make him worse. I see his thoughts Bella, I feel what he feels, I know what he thinks of himself. It's all ugly stuff Bella, stuff I wish I could cut out of my head like a cancer. That's it, too, his minds become diseased, it's a dying, suffering thing that doesn't function right anymore."

I was horrified, but a part of me ached for Jacob, so young. I had done this. I had hurt him. It was entirely my fault. "He's a man without pride Bella, men without pride are desperate beings, and I'm inclined to believe it about Jacob. I know your decision hasn't been popular with everyone on the reservation, but I'm happy for you Bella. Go be with Edward, enjoy what you have, and don't trouble yourself about Jacob. He's a part of your past you can't change, but Edward is your future. Your future is something you can work on."

I could feel tears of frustration and sadness beginning to form in the corners of my eyes. Why was it no one wanted me to help Jacob. Would it be worse, was that their concern? "Seth, is it because…" Seth cut me off, his tone becoming a little tense for the first time.

"Bella, you said goodbye to Jacob, we've all had to go through that. It was awful for him. Now it's time to let him go. You can't have it both ways Bella. That's just how it has to be."

Tears rolled down my cheeks, "I'm sorry Bella, but you're the last person who should try to help him."

I tried to say something, but when I opened my mouth to speak, all that came out was a sob.

Understanding, Edward once more took the phone from my hands. He put it to his ear; I could hear Seth saying my name.

"Bella? Bells are you there?" he asked.

Edward answered for me, "I think Bella understands Seth, she's a little overcome just now. Can you call and tell us what's going on at least? I think Bella would like to be informed, even if she can't be involved." Seth said something further, Edward said, "I will. Thank you Seth, bye."

Edward put the phone back in his pocket and then drew his arms tightly around me, leaning his head down to kiss the top of mine. I leaned heavily against his chest, pouring tears into it. "Shh-shh-shhh, Bella, everything will be fine." He whispered.

"No Edward, Jacob won't be. I've destroyed him. It's all my fault, all my selfishness this last year, trying to keep him close, but never close enough." This was horrible, it was almost like reliving that night after I said goodbye to Jacob. "I might as well have attacked Jessica myself. It's my fault he did this. I'm just as guilty."

Edward roughly pushed me back from him in an instant, he held me at arms length with his hands on my shoulders. Stunned I looked into is face.

He looked very angry, "What's happened to Jessica is the result of Jacob's poor choices. He chose to drink; he chose to indulge in something he knew was wrong. Never let me hear you say that again. I won't tolerate you blaming yourself for this. It isn't allowed, do you understand me?"

I nodded stupidly, trying to stop sniveling.

Edward pulled me into his chest again, caressing my head and holding me. I was regaining control.

Just then Edward's phone buzzed. He flipped it open, looked at the numbers and put the phone to his ear. "Carlisle."

Edward was listening, as I watched him. He closed his eyes, and tightened his arm around my back. "Thank you Carlisle. Yes, she knows." He listened a moment longer then opening his eyes finally, he looked down at me. His eyes were full of compassion and tenderness. "Yes. How long until you're home?" he nodded in agreement. "I understand, I'll tell her."

There was no use pretending I didn't know what the call was about, "What's happened with Jessica?"

"She was bleeding internally, and it was decided that they were going to have to operate to stop it. Her body couldn't take the surgery on top of it's other abuses, it shut down as soon as they began, and they couldn't revive her. I'm very sorry, Isabella."

He pulled me into his shoulder, and I cried a while longer. I was broken hearted that this could happen to Jessica, but I couldn't be entirely sad she'd passed away. I couldn't imagine Jessica recovering from something like that happening to her. She was so sweetly naïve, and the perfect example of a teenage girl. She was so young though.

I looked up into Edward's face. "I want to go see Mike Newton tomorrow Edward." He nodded, "Do you mind if I come with you?"

I stepped away from him moved to get a tissue for myself. "I don't think I'll need protection from Mike." I knew Edward had never warmed up to Mike really. They tolerated each other would be the most apt description of their relationship.

"You generally need protection from yourself more than anyone else, Bella. That's not why I'd like to come along, however."

I looked at him, surprised. My expression must have been question enough, because he replied, "Whatever I think of Mike personally, and it is heavily influenced by his own words, even if he didn't actually speak them out loud, he still had intelligence enough to recognize the good in you. This leads me to believe he has a level of character, and I'm sure he's feeling wretched. If it were me, I'd be angry with myself for not being able to protect her. I'd like to let him know I think he was brave, and did everything he could. He might need to hear that."

I was stunned, Edward rarely ever mentioned anyone outside of his own family with any level of regard. I felt it wouldn't make him feel comfortable to hear anything further about it, so I simply nodded my head.

"I need to lie down, Edward. I feel exhausted, and terrible. Will you stay with me?" he often went downstairs to spend time with his family when I slept. Knowing I was nearby allowed him to relax I think.

"Of course," he cupped my face in his hand and brushed his lips against mine. He nodded toward the bathroom, indicating that I should get ready. I took a few moments to brush my teeth and pull on my shredded, still favorite pajamas and climbed under the covers. Edward tucked them tightly around me, and then crushed me close against him.

"Will you have nightmares do you think? He asked.

"I hope not." I whispered, and shuddered to think what they could include if I did. Suddenly I was feeling mildly anxious.

Edward squeezed me, trying to reassure me and leaned over to kiss me. As usual his kisses made me forget everything else, including breathing. For once I pulled away, gasping for breath. Edward chuckled, and asked me if I wanted him to sing to me.

"Yes, please." I whispered, nodding.

Edward settled in and began humming. I listened to his voice through his chest. I closed my eyes to enjoy it fully. The night passed unnoticed by me, and there were no nightmares.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter III  
To Breathe Your Breath

The next morning dawned very cool and overcast. Before Edward and I could make it over to visit Mike, Charlie called. Edward answered, "Hello? Good morning Charlie. Yes, she's right here." He handed me the phone.

"Hi Dad." I said.

"Bells, have you heard about what happened to Jessica Stanley?" His voice sounded strained, and extremely upset. He sounded like he'd been missing a lot of sleep.

"Yeah Dad, Carlisle was her Doctor. I can't believe she's gone." I said, my voice growing soft as the memory of last night's news set in again.

"I'm sorry Bella, I know she was your friend, but the thing is, there's…something…" He seemed to hesitate, I could tell he wanted to tell me something, but seemed embarrassed to go on. I was praying he wasn't about to share the details of what happened to Jessica, while I listened to him take a steadying breath on the other end.

It might be a little cruel, but I wasn't going to help him open up. "Bella, there's been a strange turn in the case, and I…I thought you'd want to hear about it before it gets out and you hear it from another source."

I was confused, but I held my questions, trying to give Charlie a chance to let me in on what was bothering him, because he was noticeably bothered, I could tell even over the phone. "Yes?" was all I said.

"Jacob Black turned himself in this morning and said that he was responsible for what happened to Jessica. He was, well, he came in a mess, drunken, distracted…screaming…ridiculous things, and shouting streams of language which I haven't heard since he crashed his bike that time. The thing is though; he knew details about the scene, which I couldn't ignore. I've had to put him in a cell Bella, and I thought you might want to see him." I could hear what it was costing Charlie to admit Jacob's fault, in his tone. It was very sad; Charlie had always esteemed Jacob highly.

I must have gasped, or reacted in some way. I realized Edward was hovering closely to me. I turned away from him. "I don't think that would be such a good idea Dad."

I heard Charlie make a surprised sound. "Bella, he's in a cell, and he's quite likely going to end up in a padded one later. He won't stop yelling ridiculous things. I can't keep him in here; he's scaring the others. I've had to move him where he's by himself. Can't you drag yourself away from Edward for a couple of hours to help a friend?

I could feel tears of frustration trying to escape again. "No Dad, it isn't Edward, not really. Jacob doesn't want to see me. He told me so himself."

I could tell Charlie was indignant; his breathing was rapid like he was trying to suppress intense anger. "I want you to come see him Bella. You owe him that much." The anger in his voice was beyond anything I'd ever heard before. It was inarguable.

"Ok Dad. I'll try, but remember I said it wasn't a good idea." I closed the phone, too distracted by what I was going to have to face, to realize I was hanging up on him.

I looked at Edward. "Charlie said I have to come talk to Jacob. He's turned himself in and confessed to what happened with Jessica."

Edward looked much as I felt, a haunted look in his eyes. "I'll go in with you." He was so certain. I chuckled.

"I don't think so Edward. He's behind bars, I'm relatively certain I'm safe. I promise I'll stay outside of them. But he's still unstable, and after the things Charlie just said about how he came in this morning, I can't help imagining he might just unconsciously phase right there in Forks jail if you come in with me."

Edward didn't look pleased, but I could see he knew I was probably right. "I'm coming there with you though. I'll stay outside, but I will be there." That much I could agree too. I would feel better knowing he was nearby anyway.

Charlie walked me through the doors, explaining the things Jacob had said when he'd come in that morning. Jacob had been screaming the truth, and it had the whole place jumpy. None of them believed him of course, but the fact that Jacob had sounded so convinced he was telling the truth, had scared them all. He was "crazy" in their eyes.

I recognized the tone in Charlie's voice. It was the same tone he'd used talking to Alice, when she'd returned after those awful months when Edward left, that I still couldn't think of too deeply. When he'd explained how bad it had been being around me at first…his tone had been the same then as it was now, talking about Jacob.

He walked me to one of the cells, and dragged a chair just outside it for me. I stepped forward, and saw Jacob. He was lying shaking slightly, on the meager bed. His calves hung over the end of it, his enormous size unable to be contained in such normal bed proportions.

"Jacob?" I croaked. I didn't realize how scared I was until I recognized that it was choking my speech. Thankfully, Charlie turned around and went back out, closing the door behind him.

The bed squealed as Jacob turned to look over his shoulder at me. He pushed his lean, but heavily muscled body up to a sitting position. Swinging his legs forward so he sat facing me.

He wouldn't meet my face, "What do you want Bella?" he said.

"I want to know what's happening Jacob. I want to hear it all, because I think I'm to blame, and I think that should be my punishment." I hadn't even realized I felt this way until I said it. But I knew it was the truth as soon as the words were out.

Jacob's shoulders slumped. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I know Jacob, but you have to. Give the truth to the one person who will hear and understand it Jacob. Please?"

Jacob looked at me finally, "I can't Bella, because…because you might forgive me, and I don't deserve it. I don't. I'm more a monster than even Edward is. I…" he looked back down and choked a little, I realized he was beginning to cry. I couldn't help myself. I stood and put my hand on the bars, as if to reach for Jacob. In that small cell, looking pitiful, was my Jacob.

"Please, Jacob." Was all I could manage. I was finding it hard to keep from crying myself.

"I drank too much, Bella. That's no excuse, but it didn't help. I went running again. I ran up to places I'm familiar with, places I like. Near the campground I could smell people. I changed, and I went to see if I knew them. I saw her, she was…I didn't…" he sobbed again. There was no sunshine in my Jacob anymore. My heart hurt to realize this.

I was afraid, I realized. I didn't want to hear suddenly, but I knew I needed to. "I would never have guessed it Bella, but…" he looked back up at me, his face covered with tears and anguish. "I imprinted. Everything shifted, everything changed. My world, my life…everything was, everything was amazing. It completely freaked me out, and I didn't realize I had stepped out of the woods into the glade. The boy she was with was in the trees on the other side of the campground, he didn't see me. I walked up to her and the way I was feeling completely freaked me out. It probably would have been okay if I hadn't been drinking before I left, but I…" His shoulders shook as he looked away, and he wrapped his arms around himself. That was something I recognized, I'd held myself together the same way many times.

"I changed Bella, right in front of her, and it scared the hell out of her. She screamed, and I tried to catch her, only I wasn't in control. I reached for her, and I actually tore my claws right into her back, " the last few words were hard to understand, he was crying so violently.

He wasn't able to be much louder than a whisper as he went on. "She was bleeding, and I grabbed her to see if she was ok, she fell forward and cracked her head on a rock. I didn't mean to hurt her Bella! I would have loved her forever. I…" he cut off and seemed to be trying to get his sobbing under control. I watched agonized. What could I do?

"I panicked when I realized how injured she was, and that idiot kid tried to attack me right then. I just grabbed his arms in my jaws and threw him out of my way; I guess I knocked him unconscious. I can't explain where my head went then, I just wanted to show her I would love her. How much I loved…" he couldn't seem to go on. He just sobbed uncontrollably.

I couldn't stop them, tears rolled down my cheeks. I was horrified by what he'd one, but I knew now what it had cost him. How it had happened.

It took him awhile to get control of his crying again. When he did, he surprised me by jumping up quickly and grabbing my hand and holding it to the bar. His eyes were wild and I was scared. He grabbed my waist and pulled me forward against the bars; I could see the wolf in his eyes though he remained Jacob in person. "I'm the proof Bella. Don't you see it? I'm the proof that your relationship with Edward is unnatural. This wasn't how any of this should have happened. It damaged the natural order of things." His eyes glowed momentarily with a fervor burning in them, and then the glow dissipated. "It damaged nature all around us Bella." He looked down, then up at me from behind his brows, "and it broke me." He released me finally, and my heart slowed down.

I heard a noise and could see Edward through the window on the door. He must have caught on to Jacobs's thoughts. Jacob looked to see what I was looking at. He saw Edward and turned around to shuffle back to his cot. He laid down, facing away from me again.

"You withstood it Bella, I guess in the end you're the stronger one. Go on now. They're going to give me the death sentence for this and it's all I look forward to now. I won't have to remember what I did to Jessica, and I won't have to live to see you become one of them. Be happy Bella. Leave now, I don't ever want to see you again." There was nothing left to say to him. What could I say? I love you wasn't possible. "Goodbye Jacob." I turned and walked out.

That was the last time I ever saw Jacob Black.


	4. epilogue

_A/N: When I originally wrote this story, it took me about a month, and writing another story in its entirety, to be able to let go of how dark this story was in order to be able to return to it & give it some resolution. I've written other tragic scenes, but none of them have taken me to as dark a place as this one did. It gives me a new appreciation for non-fiction writers, and makes me glad I'm not one. Thank you for reading this fiction & many thanks to those of you who have reviewed it._

Epilogue

I walked through the door to where Edward stood, impatiently waiting for me. I had no sooner made it through then Edward was holding me and taking stock of my whole body, patting me and checking me. "Did he hurt you Bella? Are you…? Bella, are you all right?" He pulled my face towards him, to make his assessment and I dissolved into tears. Charlie came flying up at that moment.

I had them both overwhelming me with questions. Questions I couldn't answer, because I didn't know the answers myself. I couldn't speak at all as the sobbing overtook me. I pushed past Edward and Charlie, and ran out the door to the outside. It was raining. I felt like the rain was my friend for once. As I reached the sidewalk outside, I suddenly couldn't stand any longer. I sank to the ground, my hands in fists on the pavement before me.

How did I do this to my best friend? How fair was it that this was the price for my happiness with Edward. Jacob deserved better than this. And Jessica, "Jessica!" I sobbed, "Oh, my Jacob" I was becoming incoherent again, and was relieved to feel cool hands reach around me and lift me. I buried my head into Edward's shoulder. Charlie came out; I could hear their furtive whispers about me. I didn't want to understand what they were saying. I did hear when Charlie said "Take her home, Edward. I'll check on her later. I'm sorry."

Jacob was sentenced just as he knew he would be. I didn't have the strength to go visit him again. Edward did, when he came home he was very distant. He walked past the family and went directly into Carlisle's study and didn't come out for hours.

The house seemed to become quiet that day, unsettled. The solitude of that afternoon began to make me question if the things I had always wanted were so important. Was my love, my immortality, worth the price of Jacob's life?

It was about a week later that Edward finally spoke to me about what Jacob had told him.

Edward was lounging on the couch in our room with his arms behind his head, and his legs around me casually. I was curled up reading. Apart from those couple of hours that he'd spent in Carlisle's room, we hadn't parted company once in the last two weeks. As though the only consolation was our constant physical contact.

"Bella." He said softly

I raised my head from my book. His brow was furrowed, and he looked the way he always did when he was beating himself up for endangering my life. "He didn't blame you."

I didn't need to be told who _he _was, I looked down at the carpet, my eyes becoming unfocused. He pulled me towards him with his legs, wrapping his arms around me.

"He blamed me, actually, but never you. When I went to see him, he pointed out several flaws in our relationship, but the one thing he requested I make you understand is that _he _didn't blame you for any of it. He said, 'Tell her it's just like when she broke her hand on my jaw. Only this time, it was me trying to injure the brick wall, it's not her fault.' And he laughed when he said it Bella."

I could feel the tears beginning to fall down my face. Trailing down my cheeks and landing on his shirt. "He was happy, which was horrible in itself, I'll admit, but Bella, he said that the things that had happened recently, they'd made him feel old. He couldn't take back what he'd done, but he could willingly face his punishment in atonement for it. The last thing he said to me before I left was, 'I'm sure she won't believe it, and I doubt it'll make you happy to hear but those months when you were gone were the happiest days of my life. I wouldn't trade one moment I've had with Bells. I know she was happy then too, that's something I can remember.' He grinned then. I told him that you'd never stopped loving him. I think that made him happy too."

Edward pushed me up to face him then, "The one thing he wouldn't tell me Bella, is what happened. He said you'd tell me eventually, but that it wasn't something he was willing to talk about ever again. He refused to even think about it." Edward wiped the tears on my face away. He cupped my cheek with his hand, and looked into my eyes expectantly. I drew in a shaky breath, trying to get control of myself.

I told Edward what Jacob had told me, about drinking, and running. Explained how he'd gone into the forest, and found Jessica and Mike hiking. "He stepped out of the trees and imprinted on Jessica. It shook his whole being up and he lost control. He changed right in front of her and scared poor Jessica to pieces. When she tried to run away, he attempted to stop her and accidentally stuck his claws right into her back." I began crying again, and I had to whisper as I continued. "He was inconsolable when he said these things, Edward. I've never seen anyone so broken. It was horrible. He also said that we'd broken him. He said that we'd damaged nature all around us by being together, and it had broken him."

Edward scowled when I said this as if he agreed with it. "Well one thing he said to me Bella, was that he finally understood why you'd always had to keep yourself bound by your own arms. He said it was the only way he kept himself from going to pieces. Just before I left, he asked me to give you this.

Edward held out an envelope with Jacob's chaotic writing scribbled across it. I opened it up.

_Bells,_

_I know you're going to blame yourself for what's happened, because that's just you. You can't help being dumb like that. I wanted to write and tell you not to do that to yourself._

_I love you, and the only thing I worry about when I think of leaving this life is that you might pull something stupid enough to keep yourself from the happiness you deserve. You go after whatever makes you happy. If that means loving the bloodsucker, fine. If it means you turn into an immortal Popsicle, fine! Just do whatever you need to, to be happy. You gave me everything, Bells and this is what I give you. Consider yourself redeemed, lifelong servitude exempt. I release you, but not from my heart. Wherever I am, I will always love you._

_Love, Jacob, your sun._

I always think of Jacob, when I feel the warmth of the sun.


End file.
